The Story of My Salvation
by Reo Star
Summary: Spike's life seems meaningless, and all the crap that's been building up over the last year just hit him hard. With no one to turn to, he finds himself lonely and desperate. (SA-obviously) Please R
1. Slef Loathing

The Story of My Salvation

By: Reo Star

Chapter 1: Self Loathing

I hadn't slept it almost two days. Not like I was expecting to anyway…I never sleep. Lately, things have been building up, everything and everyone have seemed to have gone off the deep end; who knows maybe I'm just as fucked up…hell I know I'm just as fucked up.

I threw the sheets off and sat up. I looked around, hating my apartment. Everything seemed so much shittier now, nothing has that same flavor. I got up and picked up a pair of blue jeans from the floor, along with my personal favorite black shirt, and threw them on. I couldn't see it, but I knew I looked like hell. I opened the fridge only to find it was empty.

"Damn."

I closed the fridge and grabbed my coat off the back of the couch and headed out, forgetting to lock the door behind me.

I pulled up in front of Wolfram and Heart about five minutes later, and walked to the front door. I stood there for a while, not really wanting to go in. I've spent as little time there as possible lately…things have been difficult. I drew in a deep breath and stepped inside, only to find myself standing in the elevator a moment later, hesitating to press any buttons.

"C'mon Spike, old boy….can't loose your nerve now." I tried to build myself up…prepare myself. It wasn't always this way. I never had this trouble before. Of course that was all before-before he found out…

At last I pressed that damned button, and reach the right floor. As the doors opened I took a deep breath and stepped out. I had to be myself…tried to act like nothing happened the last time I was here. Of course it's not like every one knew...in fact I thought I could easily evade all parties involved…just ask Harmony for some blood, and be on my way.

"Spike, sweaty, I'm glad you're here."

I had no such luck.

"What the bloody hell do you want?" I grumbled at Lorne. He was one of the last people I wanted see.

"Hey, take it easy…I've got a job for you."

"Yeah? What's that?"

Lorne put an arm around my shoulders, forcing me to walk with him….I knew where he was taking me, and I didn't really want to go; I didn't stop him.

"Well, Spike-ums, I need you to talk to some one for me…" He didn't look at me once while he was talking, and all the while we were getting closer and closer to Angel's office. Fuck.

"Who?" I asked, knowing the answer already.

"Well, his name is Angel…and he's a very unhappy guy…"

"Forget it." I started to turn around, but Lorne stopped me.

"C'mon, he wants to talk to you."

You know, sometimes I really hate how trusting I am.

Naturally, Lorne was lying. He's a good guy with good intentions, but I really wish he'd spare the favor of trying to smooth things over.

I walked into the office, Angel was on the phone; he didn't see me enter. I stood in front of his desk, and waited. At last he looked up, the look on his face told me he wasn't expecting to see me this soon. Perhaps he wasn't expecting to see me ever again.

"Uh…I'll have to call you back…" Angel hung up the phone, never taking his eyes off me. "Spike, I wasn't…expecting to see you this soon…or ever…"

I told you.

"Basterd." I mumbled under my breath to an invisible Lorne.

"What um, what are you-"

"Lorne said you-"

"He lied."

I rubbed the back of my neck, and looked at my feet; disappointed, and angry at myself for being so foolish.

"Yeah, I figured." I turned to the door and started to leave. "Well, I just be on my way then."

"Wait, Spike-"

I turned around, and silently yelled at my self for the hopeful look I knew was on my face.

"Why _did_ you come here?"

"My fridge is dry, though I could bum some blood off you."

Angel nodded silently, and picked up the phone.

"Harmony? Get Spike about a months worth of blood." There was a long pause. "Yes—yes I know. What? No! I don see how that's any of your-Harmony, drop it! Just get the blood!" He hung up quickly and then looked at me, a little irritated.

"That it?"

"Yeah." I turned and left the room before he could say anything more.

In the hall Harmony handed me a large box, I could only assume contained my supply.

"Aww, don't look so down…he'll come around."

I looked at her both confused and angry. "What do you know about it?"

"Oh! Nothing! I don't know anything!" She ran back to her desk and tried to look busy. At that moment, Lorne came walking up to me. I wish, for his sake, he hadn't.

"Hey, so how'd it go?"

I set my box down on Harmony's desk and turned around to deck him in the face. I picked up my box and, as calmly as possible, left. I wasn't really upset with him. I was pissed off at myself. I fooled my self into thinking that I had a destiny, that I actually mattered. I fucked that up pretty bad. I also managed to ruin whatever little friendship Angel and I had. My life, at the moment, sucked. I didn't expect it to get any better soon, so I did what I always do when things get this fucked up. I went to the bar.


	2. The Power of Vanilla

The Story of My Salvation

By: Reo Star

Chapter 2: The Power of Vanilla

Call it luck, fate, destiny…call it whatever the hell you please, but that night I strayed from my usual hang outs. There was this little bar a few blocks from my place that just opened last week and I decided to try it out. The place was called 'Alive', ironic considering the majority of its costumers were vamps…but it was an interesting little place. It had live music, quick service and one other thing I wasn't expecting to find…

I was sitting at the bar on one of the stools; I had been for nearly four hours. I really hadn't had as much to drink as would have liked to…but I was busy thinking. I hated how pathetic I was. Just sitting there, feeling sorry for my self…I hate people like that.

At last I decided to try and take my mind off Angel, and focus on other things. I turned away from the bar, secretly enjoying the squeaky noise my stool made as I did. The bands were changing, and I watched the new one set up. 'Vanilla', that was their name. I wasn't really impressed by any of them…they looked like any other band.

I was so busy watching the band set up, that I hadn't noticed some one site next to me.

"Hey."

I turned around to see who was talking to me. He was tall and was wearing a long black trench coat with the arms cut off. Underneath we had on a black shirt and a pair of blue jeans, holes in both the knees. He also wore a pair of black leather fingerless gloves, but what drew my eyes first was his hair. His long hair was a light grey-blue-tied back with a black band-which was unusual because of how young he seemed to be.

"Hi." I said quietly, not entirely interested.

"You look a little out of it…" He smiled as he talked, and took a sip out of a glass that had been sitting on the bar.

"Yeah, well it's been a rough day." I don't know why I didn't tell him to bugger off, I guess I was just a little lonely. I turned around in my stool, disappointed it didn't make that neat squeak, and took a sip of my drink. The smile left the stranger's face, and he looked genuinely concerned.

"Who is he?"

I turned to him. "What?" I said, only half understanding what he meant.

"The guy who did this to you, who is he?"

A little shocked, and on the defense, I snapped at him. "What the bloody hell are you talking about? Do I look like some kind of poof?"

"Whoa, easy! I'm not trying to offend, but you look like you've been dragged through the metaphorical mud. Just making convo, that's all." He looked at me a little offended.

"What makes you think it's a guy anyway?"

He smirked. "Well this is a gay bar and, call me crazy, but I just took a wild guess…"

"What?" I looked around me a realized there wasn't one chick in the joint…I hadn't bothered to notice. I bumped my head down on the bar. "Fuck."

"Hoping to pick up some ladies?"

I looked up at the stranger, and smirked. "No. Just needed a place to get away from by problems. I guess I fucked that one up, didn't I?"

He understood exactly where I was coming from. "So you're a newbie."

"No…yeah…Oh I don't bloody know any more."

"The name's Silece." He held out a hand, I took it. "Most call me Si."

We sat for a moment is silence, watching the band set up.

"Think they'll be any good?" I asked casually.

"I don't know, what do you think?"

"They look like a bunch of wankers to me…they better have one hell of a vocalist."

Si smiled, and laughed a little. "Well let's hope they do…" At that moment he got up, and walked toward the stage. He was greeted by one of the band members, and I immediately felt embarrassed. He was their vocalist.

I listened to them perform, mesmerized by Si's voice. He was amazing. The music was good, something worth buying a CD for…but it was their last song that really got to me.

_Clipped wings and broken dreams,_

_I stumble through the darkness._

_Black shadows watching me, they reach for me,_

_I feel so lifeless._

_I fell into the darkened waters,_

_Hope slipped through my fingers._

_Everything, it seems so distant,_

_Loneliness and cold are all that lingers._

_My soul is damaged, tattered, torn._

_I can not find my happiness._

_You have placed me here,_

_In this deep, dark, nothingness._

_You have forced me to face this pain alone._

_I struggle to find salvation._

_Suffering and anguish are all I know_

_And it's you who've place me here._

Every word hit home. I was glad that was their last song, I wouldn't have been able to handle much more. I saw Si walking to wards me, and I turned away…not even noticing the squeak in my stool this time.

"So, was I good? Or am I just another 'wanker'?" he smiled and slapped my back.

"You were good." I said, quietly.

"You're still bummed, aren't you?" He sounded very comforting.

"Not really. Just…." I stopped, I'm not the type to be all blubbery around strangers, hell I barely talk to those I care about…

"Lonely?" It was like he was reading my mind. I didn't say anything; I just sat there, pretending to be fascinated with my drink.

Silece sighed, and took a pen out of his pocket while grabbing a near by napkin. "Well, I'm gunna get going. If you don't feel like being alone tonight, give me a call. Don't worry about what time it is, just call." He slid the napkin with is number towards me, I didn't even look at it. He got up and patted me on the back before he left.

An hour went by before I even looked down at that napkin, another twenty minutes before I picked it up, and thirty minutes before I took it home.

After I closed my apartment door, not even five seconds went by before I picked up the phone.


End file.
